This poem is written part fiction, and part non-fiction

Miscarriages

Two of my younger siblings never saw the sky.
Hannah and Nathan never laughed when their friends did something stupid.
They never cried when they fell off their bike.
They never smiled when they woke up and realized it was their birthday.
They never saw teh painful color red.
They never tasted sunshine.
They never smelled a book.
The never knew their names.
They never heard a long, dull sermon from Preacher Mike.
They never ran their fingers through their hair to make sure it was straight.
They never had hobbies.
They never saw someone who made their heart fly over the ocean and back.
They got insulted.
They never looked in a mirror and cried because of what stared back at them.
They never stared at the sun to see if it really would blind them.
They never chose a favorite color.
They never heard "I love you."
They never said it back.
They never even breathed


When I gave it to one of my mentors at Writing Camp, he asked me to do some revision, so I did.

Miscarriages.

Two of my siblings never saw the sky.
Hannah and Nathan never laughed when their friends got a sugar high of Mountain Dew.
They never cried when they fell off their bikes and skinned their knees right before field day.
They never smiled when they woke up and realized it was their birthday.
They never saw the apinful color red.
They never tasted sunshine with their hair.
They never made distinctions between the smell of books.
They never knew their names.
They never heard a long, dull sermon from Preacher MIke.
They never ran their fingers throught their hair to make sure it was straight.
They never had hobbies.
They never saw someone who made their heart fly over the ocean and back.
They never got insulted.
They never looked in a mirror and cried because of what stared back at them.
They never stared at the sun to see if it really would blind them.
They never chose a favorite color.
They never heard Mom say "I wuvoo." as she held them and rocked in her grandmother's rocking chair.
They never yelled "Wuvoo too!" as they ran out teh door for school.
They never even breathed.

I wanted to know what everyone thought of this.

__________________
I'm an up and coming writer, so read my stuff and comment on it.

They never tasted sunshine with their hair.
They never made distinctions between the smell of books.

These two lines I definitly preffered the way they were the first time, merely because the imagined sensation of tasting sunshine is quite an amazing display of creativity yet I don't see the connected to hair, and the fact that books (especially bran new ones) do have a certain smell, but you always hear about people reading books as something of pleasure, not the scent.

Also, you have a line about them not knowing their name. I would take out their names at the beginning, then move the line about them not knowing their name to the second to last line. Finally, change the final line to "Hannah and Nathan never even breathed." To me it has a greater build up. A person's identity is detrimental to them being human, and too many people see an unborn child as not yet human, when they are. Their identity is a support of that fact, and so after explaining everything that the two siblings missed, you can hit the reader hard with the shock and awe of "They were--no, they still are--human beings."

Great stuff! I'm about to move on to your other two poems posted here.

Real quick before I end the post, you have a few times where you typoed "the" into "teh". The line for those who does it starts with me and goes around the continent twice. So it's no sweat, just be aware of it and SPAG check it.

Also, what's wrong with the color red? (My favorite color)

I changed the tehs to the's and corrected the other typo that I saw. Thanks for the comments.