[N]Birth of Chaos - Chapter 3! (on hold)

Pyro3000 · **Posted:** July 9th, 2007, 10:33 pm

I can't really say anything without giving away the story. The first chapter is pretty easy to take in. Just bear in mind it gets gruesome later on.

Chapter 1

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Just another day… School never changes. People sleep in their classes to make up for late nights and then in the hall they pick on people to make themselves look and feel better. Some say a miserable person needs to find a more miserable person so they don’t think they have it worse off. They never understand what goes on in the head of the other person though. Those after school specials are supposed to put an end to that behavior but it never happens.

It’s impressive that there are people passing their classes. Akita, a student of the school, was barely managing to get by himself. One would think by now that the school board would realize that no one is going to pay attention to a staff of teachers that is so straightforward and boring. It didn’t matter though. He was just one more semester from graduating high school. After that he planned to put this place behind him with no intention on looking back.

“Ten minutes… Then this semester will finally be over…” Akita’s voice was just notable enough to reach the ears of Miss Sayano, the teacher of his fourth hour class. The schedule of Akita’s school followed a schedule where the classes varied depending on the day. First hour was always the same class, but the last three switched every other day.

“Hopefully your grades will do better next semester. This is the fourth year you’ve failed my class.”

“I’m sorry Miss Sayano. I’m sure I’ll do better next semester.”

“Even so that wouldn’t take much… If you did so much as one assignment you’d be doing better than the last two years. It’s like you just gave up in the middle of your first semester here.” It was true. Even though Akita was the smartest student in his class he had never shown any effort since kindergarten. He spent most of his time alone instead of with friends or family. Most people found him creepy and in truth his friends were few. Most of his comfort came from the class he did the worst in. Sometimes he wondered if Miss Sayano knew he was failing her class over and over just because of how nice she was. The other teachers treated him just like anyone else. Miss Sayano, however, knew he was picked on frequently and ended up with a soft spot for him.

“Its about time…” The bell rang and Akita got up and left for home. Students that failed courses got their grades either phoned or e-mailed to parents. The moment Akita stepped inside his house would be the same time that his father struck him. It was never just one strike though. Akita often returned to school covered in bruises after a semester finished.

Smack. “Why do you even bother coming back here each day? All you do is bring failure to us all!” The hit that followed knocked Akita off of his feet and onto the floor. His father was relentless in his beatings. A long time ago his father would always speak well of him and was proud to have fathered the boy. However, since Akita's grades dropped and he showed little motivation for anything, his father hated him.

Akita did the only thing he could think of. He ran. For some reason his father was hitting even harder. Normally Akita could stand the pain but this time was different. He couldn't see well. There was blood running down from his forehead and it was getting in his eyes. He looked ahead and saw a package. The mail had just ran moments earlier. Akita picked up the box and threw it at his father. It hit him hard in the head and his father flinched. Enraged the man pulled out a switchblade knife and cut the box open. He looked at Akita in rage.

"That's what I'm going to do to you boy!" Akita was cornered. He tried to run under his fathers arm before he could stab him with the knife but he tripped over the box he had thrown at his father. He looked back and saw what was inside. There on the floor laid a desert eagle. Next to the pistol was ammunition. Without sparing a second thought he put the two together. And then it happened. There was a gunshot, a scream, and then two more gunshots.

The boy knew there was only one way to get away with what happened. He stood up and faced away from his parents. He felt nothing for his downed father. There was regret though about his mother. She saw what happened and screamed. He had to shut her up for good. He crouched down and aimed the pistol at the back of his ankle with a paper towel in his other hand.

Chapter 2

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Akita had been sleeping for hours. He looked down and saw his wounded leg. It was bandaged up neatly. He took a look around and noticed he was in a hospital. There was a dizzy feeling in his head. He tried to remember what had happened previously.

“That’s right… They’re dead…” He remembered suddenly what had happened. He saw his parents faces flash in front of him. He cared nothing about his father, but his mother had done nothing wrong to him. Akita could do nothing but cry softly. He knew he was safe though. The police had questioned him the previous night. “A madman came in… He came in with a knife… My dad ran for a package and it scared the man… He took the package and cut it open… That’s where he found the gun. He used it to kill me parents. He shot me while I was running away… I don’t know why he didn’t finish me…”

“Well that would explain the cut open package. Why weren’t there any prints on the gun?”

“He was wearing leather gloves…”

“Anything else you can give me about his appearance?”

“… He was dark… black… he was wearing a bandana and stuff… seemed like he was in some sort of gang…” Akita said knowing fully well that the mention of a dark skinned killer would make the police believe him. They were taught in training that criminals were often of African ethnicity. Akita’s focus went back to his room. His stomach felt weird. Perhaps it was the paper towel he had eaten. At the time it was the only thing he could do. Now he realized he didn’t really have to swallow the thing so much as burn it. He could have eaten a match much easier than the towel. Thinking about it again he realized that the match head might not have been safe to digest though. He remembered it perfectly. He had taken the towel and wiped the gun off completely. Then while he was still holding it with the towel he threw it behind him. Luckily it landed in some blood so the thought of it having been wiped didn’t even occur to the police. There was the towel though. He couldn’t run around the house bleeding everywhere. It would cause too much suspicion. He had to eat the towel. It was the only way of removing that piece of evidence.

He sat in the chair and thought back. He remembered happy times. It was the only way to get his mind away from the situation. He saw himself back in kindergarten. He was the most popular kid in the school. He laughed and played with all the children. Then his memories turned to Christmas. His grandfather was telling him old war stories. It was odd. He seemed like such a peaceful man. No one would have ever thought he kept a collection of things from the people he killed in the war. He was laughing as he received a toy gun. It shot foam darts out of the barrel. He ran around the house chasing his grandfather. Then as he turned the corner he himself got a dart in the face. He fell back surprised only to find out his grandfather had secretly bought a second one. They ran around the house laughing. They were shooting everything in the house missing eachother.

Another memory soon came into his mind. He was coming home the last day of his kindergarten year. He walked inside to see his grandmother crying. He was confused. Akita ran up to his mother and asked what was wrong immediately.

“You’re grandfather is dead,” replied his mother with much sorrow. “He… was murdered… by Gresh Neilson.”

The name rang a bell instantly. He had a classmate named Brad Neilson that often bragged about his older brother Gresh. He was his best friend. Akita felt betrayed. He ran out the house crying. Then he saw Brad looking up at his older brother.

“They know I did it… I have to go…”

“But brother they might let you go! It was just some wrinkly old man!” With that Akita’s heart turned to stone. Gresh ran away and his image had been burned into Akita’s mind forever. He ran at Brad and started to choke him. He could never forgive him and his family.

There was a sudden knock on his hospital door. His grandmother walked over to him.

“You’re going to live with me now… everything that belonged to your parents is being left to you. The gun will become yours as well when you turn 18... you don’t have to take it if you don’t want to.”

“I’ll take it… I want everything I can get right now… I feel like all I have left is the items in that house,” said Akita and his grandmother turned to tears.

“That isn’t all we have left, Akita… We’ll get through this. The police think they have a lead on the murderer. They want to talk to you again tomorrow afternoon at the department. We can have the killer put away Akita! We can get that madman put away!”

Akita didn’t know what to say. He looked out the window of his hospital and said, “Yeah… that’s great…”

Chapter 3

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Akita was unable to sleep. He was normally calm and collecting but today was different. The meeting he was going to have with the police was making him nervous. He knew that if he made one wrong move or said anything that didn’t match up that he would be thrown in prison. If he was to give one flaw to his story it was all over.

It was time. He walked into the police department sweating nervously. He knew there wasn’t a chance that he’d make it through thi.

“Mr. Venno?” Said a woman standing behind a counter. Akita simply nodded yes. He couldn’t utter a word. “Down the hall to the left and go to the first door on your right. Someone there will take you to Officer Dennis.”

He followed the directions and met up with the man. He was a tall built man that seemed pretty easy going. He greeted Akita with a smile and it made him feel relaxed. Though he was frightened at first by the man’s size he found comfort now that he was smiling so friendly towards him. He couldn’t shake the feeling though that it could still be a trap. Still he had some renewed confidence now. He walked with the man and he brought him into a room.

“There is a line of five suspects. You will point out the one that committed the crime. That is if he is in the line-up anyway. We’ve narrowed it down quite a bit. If he isn’t in there we have a book of people we let go.”

“Alright.” Akita walked into a room first seeing a large window. Then he saw a couple of officers sitting in chairs. An officer with a nametag walked up to him, it said Dennis.

“Please look through the window and tell us if you see the perpetrator,” The officer stated as though he’d said it all his life repeatedly. “All of these men were reported near the scene of the crime in a white undershirt and red shorts as you stated.”

Akita was glad to see that his description matched people. It was a pretty common sight among gang members in his town but there was always the chance that there might not have been one there. He looked through the window and his eyes opened wide in shock. He had no idea that this turn of events would happen. He started trembling and his voice became shaky, “It’s him! He did it! He killed the both of them! I remember him perfectly!”

The officers were shocked at his behavior and for a moment Akita thought he had blown it for a moment. He looked back through the one-way window and nearly lost it.

Brother you don’t have to go! It was just an old man!

I have to! They know I did it! Akita was now on all fours shaking. He heard Officer Dennis turn on the speaker.

“Gresh Neilson please walk through the door to your left, you are dismissed.” Akita looked up and through the window again. He watched him calmly walk through the door. For a moment he wasn’t sure what was happening. Was he being let go? Was he going to jail? That wasn’t enough. Akita wouldn’t be happy until he was dead. He saw the door slam open and a body fall through the door. The body was that of an officer. He was bleeding from the mouth with a shocked look on his face. Gresh was running away, and was using brutal force to do it.

The man that walked Akita to the line-up was now running out the door. He pulled out a taser gun. It seconds the device was fired and there was a thud. “Stay on the ground! Do not get up! I said stay on the ground!”

Akita couldn’t help but look through the doorway. Gresh was trying to get up. Fifty thousand volts of electricity were running through his body and he was still trying to get up.

Gresh reached back and tore off the taser. He stood up shakily and made a dash through a hallway and jumped out a window. He had escaped. Akita was sure that he would not have to worry about anyone seeing any flaws in his story now. Gresh sealed his fate the moment he hit that officer. There was one problem though. Gresh had seen someone there that wasn’t in uniform. When Akita looked through the door Gresh got a perfect look at his face. If he could remember Gresh… Could Gresh remember him?

I might put up some chapters early

Munny · **Posted:** July 9th, 2007, 10:49 pm

*claps* I LOVE YOU PYRO! WOOOHOOO instant 10

tau_xi · **Posted:** July 9th, 2007, 10:51 pm

Interesting start. :-s

black light1 · **Posted:** July 10th, 2007, 12:05 am

I liked it. It was really good. Keep up the good work.

PS: I HATE YOU :O!!! You know it , lol

Pyro3000 · **Posted:** July 24th, 2007, 10:18 pm

chapter 2 is up! I didn't write anything while RV was down. Didn't care much too. Sorry for the delay. I'll be writing each week as RV is up though!

tau_xi · **Posted:** July 24th, 2007, 10:29 pm

Baaah character development. Looking forward to chapter 3.

Saten Ruiko · **Posted:** July 24th, 2007, 10:51 pm

Interesting development, though I find it hard to believe his grandmother would instantly tell a kindergardener why his grandfather was dead and who did it. At five years old, do many children understand the meaning of murder? ^_^

Still, continue.

Pyro3000 · **Posted:** July 30th, 2007, 12:23 am

Chapter 3 is up.

It adds to the storyline a ton. It'll probably get really epic soon. You should totally keep reading.

Crafty Llama · **Posted:** July 30th, 2007, 12:40 am

Well, this is a refreshing change. It's written well, and the plot is pretty intriguing so far. Only two complaints.

Adjectives are the sugar that make a bland story sweet. The idea of the story is great, and by letting us into the characters mind with first person perspective is good as well, since we get to know the character a lot better than in third person. However, when we're not in Akita's mind, I want to feel like I'm there. You have to describe everything. For example, what did the police station look like? What about the officers and other men in the line-up? When we feel like we're there in the story, it's that much more absorbing.

Also, how did his grandfather die? Unless there's something about it that will be revealed later, it leaves us in the dark. And how did his mother know who Gresh was, and expected Akita to know as well? For her to know who killed his grandfather at that time, she would have had to been there or nearby. This brings up the point of why Gresh even killed him. And why didn't he kill his grandmother as well? I'm sure she was very close at the time, since the fact that it was his family informing him of such and not the police, the authorities hadn't arrived yet so it had happened in the last few minutes.

The death of his grandfather is clearly important to the story, but you didn't spend nearly enough time on the scene. It would make it that much more surprising that Gresh was in the line-up if we got more than a name and a line or two of dialogue beforehand.

Pyro3000 · **Posted:** July 30th, 2007, 1:33 am

Ultima Cow wrote:

Well, this is a refreshing change. It's written well, and the plot is pretty intriguing so far. Only two complaints.

Adjectives are the sugar that make a bland story sweet. The idea of the story is great, and by letting us into the characters mind with first person perspective is good as well, since we get to know the character a lot better than in third person. However, when we're not in Akita's mind, I want to feel like I'm there. You have to describe everything. For example, what did the police station look like? What about the officers and other men in the line-up? When we feel like we're there in the story, it's that much more absorbing.

Also, how did his grandfather die? Unless there's something about it that will be revealed later, it leaves us in the dark. And how did his mother know who Gresh was, and expected Akita to know as well? For her to know who killed his grandfather at that time, she would have had to been there or nearby. This brings up the point of why Gresh even killed him. And why didn't he kill his grandmother as well? I'm sure she was very close at the time, since the fact that it was his family informing him of such and not the police, the authorities hadn't arrived yet so it had happened in the last few minutes.

The death of his grandfather is clearly important to the story, but you didn't spend nearly enough time on the scene. It would make it that much more surprising that Gresh was in the line-up if we got more than a name and a line or two of dialogue beforehand.

You'll find out more behind that later trust me. I don't like to rush details. I could have given more details on the police station I admit. I'll probably rewrite this story later on with more detail later on if I ever decide to try and get something I've written published or it fits in with a homework assignment.

EDIT: I didn't want to double post. No update this week as I was too busy with work.

Pyro3000 · **Posted:** August 30th, 2007, 7:28 pm

sorry for double but could someone save this to a word document for me? my computer is beyond repair and i refuse to type a chapter on the wii.

Crafty Llama · **Posted:** August 31st, 2007, 7:25 am

Pyro3000 wrote:

sorry for double but could someone save this to a word document for me? my computer is beyond repair and i refuse to type a chapter on the wii.

Saved.

Pyro3000 · **Posted:** August 31st, 2007, 2:54 pm

you rock hard.

Crafty Llama · **Posted:** August 31st, 2007, 7:37 pm

Don't I?

[N]Birth of Chaos - Chapter 3! (on hold)

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