Quests of the RuneScape World
Quest of the Kalphite Queen's Lair
by Tahu 1000 and Witty Fool (2005)

Chapter One
From Witty Fool's perspective

It was a fine day in Runescape. The birds were singing, the bees were buzzing from flower to flower, and the unicorns were out grazing. Also, the goblins were bickering over armor color, HAM wanted more monsters slain, and thousands of adventurers embarked on perilous quests to discover lost treasure, gain experience, and save harassed people from monsters. All in all, a normal day in the world of the Rune.

But the Prince Ali was missing. Osman had hired Witty fool to rescue him from the evil clutches of the Lady Keli. Residing in a jail near the small village of Draynor, she planned to ransom him back to Al-Kharid at a hefty sum. Not on Witty Fool's watch! He came, armed with a mithral sword, full iron plate (minus helm, he had on a mithral medium), and bearing a disguise for the prince, a key to the cell, and beer to incapacitate the door guard. However, the regular guards may not be strong, but attack in large packs. Witty Fool found he couldn't fight them effectively, but was able to hold them off by closing and jamming the door to the jail shut as he tied up Lady Keli without much resistance. By the time he had stuffed her in a cupboard, however, the door was splintering under the heavy blows the guards were raining down on it with their maces. Thinking quickly, Witty Fool unlocked the cell, slipped inside, and twisted the key in the lock to securely shut them in. As he was reassuring the cowering Prince Ali, the door burst in. Pulling out his bow, Witty Fool nocked a arrow to his string, sighted along the ashen shaft, and let fly. The mithral head went right through a loop in the guard's chain mail armor, and the guard staggered and went down. That left five more, and, way too late to fix it, Witty fool saw an error in his plan as a guard unlocked the cell-with another key! Now that he knew it, he saw that all the guards carried keys on their belts.

Just as the lead one was bout to swing his steel-headed weapon, a yell "Fire Strike!" was heard, and the guard burst into flames. Almost at the same time, a thin, pale blue blade sprouted out of the chest of a guard in back. As he fell, a mighty warrior in green plate mail armor and a dark blue helm was revealed. Too shocked to react, two more guards were cleaved down by the blade. His warrior reflexes kicking in, Witty Fool heavily smote the guard in front of him. The last two guards were no match for the strange fighter in green, and were promptly decapitated. Speaking for the first time, the warrior in green said, "Now let us escape this foul place. Come, we must make haste while the guards outside are off their guard! Bring the prince, we must go! Oh, by the way, I'm Tahu 1000. And you are?" "Witty Fool, by name and nature. Let's go!" As they ran out the door, Witty Fool spotted more guards coming from a nearby tower. Yelling something that the profanity censor wouldn't let through, he continued, "More! I'm sick of guards!" "We can't take that many, not with the prince here! And Lady Keli is out of the cupboard, judging by the angry yells coming from the jail. To Draynor Village with utmost speed!"

When they reached the small town, Tahu 1000 withdrew some food, namely trout. "Going training?" asked Witty Fool (the prince had gone back to Al-Kharid). "Yup. Want to come with?" "Sure, but can you give me some trout? I'm out." "Ok, I've got over a thousand of ‘em. Been fishing them for the past month or so." So they went away to the Varrock-Edgeville dungeon. Tahu 1000 went away to the crowded hill giant arena, while Witty Fool trained on zombies nearby. Both trying to gain spoils and experience from the monsters.

Chapter Two
For convenience, I have written this section from the view of Tahu 1000.

Wham! The giant's large club thunked against Tahu 1000's large black shield. Quick as a scorpion's sting, the mighty fighter retaliated on the large foe. Slashing a line of blood across the knee of the giant, he withheld his shield again to deflect another attack. Gritting his teeth at the awesome force of the blow, he again smite the giant in the stomach. The giant let out an unearthly howl, and crumpled to the ground. Retrieving a shining steel longsword and a rather large group of bones, Tahu checked the contents of his pack. "Drat! No more room in my pack! I'll go see how Witty Fool is doing," he muttered to himself. Going up past the ladder, he spied his friend, running away from a zombie. But no ordinary zombie! It was an enormously strong one, one that had risen from the depths of the earth when Witty Fool had buried some bones. Drawing his mighty runite longsword, Tahu 1000 ran up and attacked the rotting undead horror. Slicing its arm off with one swipe, he followed through with a mighty stab right into the zombie's brain. "What was that?!" questioned Witty Fool. "That was one of the zombie minions. Their power is dependant on that of those who make them come, that's why I could defeat it where you couldn't. Let me guess: you buried a bone and it crawled out of the earth." "How'd you know?" "It's a random event. See, that person over there has one. I'll go help them out, too." And go help he did; within moments, another zombie had collapsed on the ground. Helping the stricken mage to her feet, Tahu 1000 said, "I thought I told you to stay away from hill giants until you can kill them! What are you doing here?" "Trying to kill them from behind a table, didn't you see?" "And have another giant attack you. I see that you should go back to barbarian village." "But I wanna come with you!" the mage wined. "Fine, but stay behind us unless there are monsters behind us; then you go to the side." To Witty Fool, who had been lost this whole time, Tahu 1000 explained, "This is my sister, Gumbie 100. She's been playing for about a month now." "And have a better magic level that both of you!" "I'm not so sure about that, I'm level 27 magic." "Oh, I'm just level 23." Feeling left out, Witty Fool said, "I just train fighting, but I'm still level 12 mage." "Anyway, I'm all full. Let's go back to Varrock. Then I need to catch up on my runecrafting-I owe Bulbasaur1 an assortment of runes soon." "Sure, I'm also done training." Witty Fool agreed. "I hope the general store has open space in its stock, I have many spoils to sell."

Chapter Three

This takes place several months later, when all of the clan members in The Golden Chinchillas had reached epic strength. Tahu, Witty Fool, and new members Chocolarico, Skilful Kil, and Nerdlinger1 were all powerful fighters not to be reckoned with, Gumbie was the resident mage, and Colin 1st was a jack of all trades ranger. Tahu supplied most of the party food, as his fishing was his strong point. He could also cook up many delightful meals, and make custom orders of runes for others. Witty Fool was a master smith, miner, and fletcher, while Skilful Kil was the rich item supplier. Chocolarico was pure fighting machine, with good archery skills and excellent prowess with a sword. All of the fighters had runite plate, except for a dragon medium helm. All wielded varying weapons, but all of those were dragon metal. Also, Tahu, Chocolarico, Skilful Kil, and Witty Fool all had dragon shields, while Nerdlinger1 had runite kite shields. Colin had full black dragon, with magic longbow and runite arrows. However, the party wanted one more item for all-dragon chainmail. This rare item could only be obtained from the legendary Kalphite Queen…

"So the Kalphite lair is in the desert?!? I thought we had explored all of it already!" Exclaimed Tahu. "Then it must be that cave I only got halfway into before being forced out by rather large insects." Said Witty Fool sheepishly. "Hasn't anyone told you to carry bug repellant?" questioned Gumbie. "They only sell it in small bottles" replied Skilful Kil in defense of Witty Fool. "I was with him, and you would need 50 or more bottles per bug!" "Well, I say we just smash them" retorted Chocolarico. "Enough!" shouted Tahu. "Arguing gets us nowhere. We need a plan. And no, not a whole lot of bug spray." At this, Gumbie looked disappointed. "I like Chocolarico's plan, but we need to figure out how to smash them. I say, since it's a multi-way arena, we use a formation or something that works like one, even if it doesn't look like one." "So we go to the cave?" asked Witty Fool, incredulously. "I don't like giant bugs!" "So squash them!" Yelled Chocolarico. "Anyway, we're going. Go to the bank, and meet at Shantay Pass at 0600 sharp! We need all the time we can get." Finished Tahu.

0559:

"Everyone's here!" announced Chocolarico. "Okay, then." said Tahu. "All non-essential items into the bank chest, and let's move out! And don't forget canteens, it's really dry and hot out there." At 0601, they went through the pillars marking the border between safety and danger, adventure, and treasure. Our heroes were mainly after treasure, but they would undoubtedly find both.

At the maw of the cave:

"That looks like a giant mouth! Are you sure it's safe to go in?" Asked Colin- he wasn't very brave, and disliked caves. "No, but when do we care if it's safe? Let's go!" was Tahu's answer. As they trudged into the cave, they couldn't quite shake the feeling something hostile was watching their every step. Their feeling came to being when out of the dark, a glint of chitin armor was seen, accompanied by a chittering sound. Tahu, in the front, threw out a hand to stop and silence the party, waiting until the Kalphite had moved to guard more of the tunnel. Then Gumbie piped up, "was that the queen?" "No", replied Witty Fool, "that was a worker. Female mindless drones. The queen it three times their size-so I'm told." "I'd say closer to five times", Said Tahu, calmly. Then more panicked for obvious reasons, "There she is!" "Battle Stations!" roared Chocolarico, but the clan needed no further prompt. The mage Gumbie had already gone to the back, Colin pulled out his hand-made assault had no effect on the might crawling horror. However, the mighty dragon armory did, and soon the Kalphite ruler was under heavy bombardment. Even though he received food at a constant rate, Witty Fool was slipping lower and lower on the health scale. Finally, just as Tahu had thrown a lobster to him, the queen smite Witty Fool a mighty blow that knocked him down, never to get up. The lobster landed on empty armor as Witty Fool's body disappeared. Stunned at the loss of their friend, Tahu and Skilful Kil struck the monstrosity that had killed their friend with mighty vigor, each blow equal to those the monster had rained apon poor adventurers that had met death under its claws. Driven back by the onslaught, the monster seemed to transform into a smaller, winged beast. As it took off, Gumbie and Colin pounded it with spells and arrows. This time, it worked. As the two shot death at the foul monstrosity, Tahu pulled out a crossbow to counter the strafing horror, and Skilful Kil and Chocolarico added their projectiles to the mix. Faced with a fatal hail of arrows, the beast fell from the sky, but was dead before it hit the ground.

It was over. The Kalphite Queen lay dead, slain in midair and crushed by the fall. Yet one question lingered in the minds of all; where was the mighty dragon chain? Spotting a reddish glint in a pile of castings, Skilful Kil started to dig with his hands. Seeing this, the other surviving members gathered around as he pulled out a dragon chainmail. Looking through the pile, the rest soon claimed a chainmail for themselves. Tahu gathered one for Witty Fool as well, and gathered the remains of the fallen warrior. While the rest of the group were drunk with joy and victory, Tahu and Skilful Kil pondered the armor, and what it had cost them.

Back in Varrock, the group celebrated with a party at the Blue Moon inn. Even the famed Jaron99 was there, decked out in full Dragon glory, to congratulate the group on their victory. Even the rest of the Zamorak's Death clan was there, and the invisible spirits of Witty Fool and Shadow watched over them, proud. During the funeral, Witty Fool's equipment was laid into a grave in the wilderness, alongside Shadow's. In the grave was all of the warrior's armor, and the chainmail that would have been his had he survived.

Quests of the RuneScape World
Quest for the Mighty Dragon Plate Legs
by Tahu 1000 (2005)

Chapter 1

It was a fine day in Runescape. No knights needed new swords, no damsels were in distress, and no monsters were rampaging over the countryside. There was a small problem with some HAM members (Humans Against Monsters), and goblins were getting cocky and going to close to Draynor Village, but that was best left to the noobs. As the mighty warrior, Tahu 1000, was walking down the road, he contemplated what mighty quests he had recently undertaken and finished. He got himself a white cape from the Legends Guild, an Amulet of Glory charged at the fountain at the Hero's Guild, and earned access to every part of Runescape. He could travel to Trollhiem, Camelot, or the Watchtower by teleportation. He could ride mine carts into the great dwarven city, Keldagrim. He slew Elvarg, Delrith, and Count Draynor. He now wore a set of armor and weaponry very rarely seen in Runescape- he had a Dragon medium helm, Dragon chainmail, a mighty Dragon longsword, and to top it all off a Dragon shield- the rarest shield in all of Runescape. He also wore runite plate legs, a Cape of Legends, and an Amulet of Glory. Of much less mention was his golden gloves and Boots of Lightness.

But as he walked down the road, a sight he had never seen before met his eyes. He saw a warrior with the uber-rare Dragon plate legs! Stopping him to ask where he got then, he learned of the Iron and Steel dragons in the Brimhaven dungeon, on the island of Karamja. These dragons could drop the ever sought Dragon plate armor, either plate legs or plate skirts. These plate armor pieces were a lone type, as currently there is no plate body or full helm made out of Dragon. And they could be found right by Karamja volcano!

Needless to say, he instantly told the other members of the clan about his find, and a quest was quickly organized. It was to be one of the greatest excursions into the caves of Brimhaven, one that would be remembered for centuries to come. The clan met near the Draynor bank, closest to the shipyard of Port Sarim. There they would discuss how they should go about slaying dragons...

Chapter 2

"No, you can't come. There are WILD DOGS there! You going there is suicide, you'll just be a burden," Said an exasperated Tahu 1000 to his sister, Gumbie 100. "But I wanna come! I promise I'll stay away from the doggies!" was her reply. "How many times do I have to tell you, the wild dogs are all over the dungeon! And if you don't get killed by them, you'll just be killed by something else. And what do you need with Dragon plate legs, anyway?" "I could sell them!" "Not worth the trouble. Brimhaven dungeon is almost strictly for fighters only, not mages!" "Almost!" "Yes, an exception is if you're wearing splitbark armor and have a high defense-which you don't." "But I wanna go!" "No buts. We already decided rangers and mages where simply not to go on this one, as they'd be more of a hindrance then a help." "What about Colin? Doesn't he get to come?" "Yes, but he's going no farther than the moss giants." "What about the time we slew the Kalaphite Queen?" "Then it could fly, and there were no other monsters that would attack rangers or mages." "Awww, I wanna come!" "No, and that's final," finished a very annoyed Tahu. "You're not coming."

With that, Tahu walked back to the rest of the group, Chocolarico, Skilful Kil, Skilful Kil's brother Nerdlinger 1, and Colin 1st, who had been stocking up on lobsters, pizzas, and other food, including some swordfish (Tahu), apple pies (Colin 1st), and rare manta rays (Tahu and Skilful Kil).

Nerdlinger 1, however, was having trouble with the banker. "What do you mean my account has no tuna?!? I put in 3k tuna over the past month, where did it go?" "No, sir, you misunderstand. I mean that this branch of the bank is now out of tuna, your tuna was deposited in another bank, and we don't have any here for you to withdraw. But the bank has a good supply of trout..." "I don't want trout, I want my tuna!" "Then I advise you to go to another bank. Unless you want a note for tuna, you're out of luck." "Oh, fine then," Nerdlinger sighed. To the rest of the Golden Chinchillas, he said "I'm going to Falador bank to get some tuna. Be back in a bit, and don't leave without me!"

With that, he set off on the road past the farm and out of sight. Then suddenly, they heard "Stand and fight!" seemingly out of nowhere. Then they heard sounds of a pitched battle, and last Nerdlinger yelling "Got that little chompy!" Tahu was first to figure it out. "He ran into a highwayman, they like to hang around by the farm. Sounds like Nerdlinger won, though. The weak robber never stood a chance..." A while later, Nerdlinger came back. "Sorry I'm late, I got hung up by a highwayman" "So we heard." "And then Falador east was out of tuna as well, but I found a clan of about 100 people going and withdrawing all the tuna they could. It seems they were going pking..."

"Well, is everything finally ready?" Tahu asked. He got an assortment of affirmatives for his answer. "Everyone got best armor, food, and potions?" Again, all yeses. "Everyone have the fare for the boat to Karamja?" This time, mixed affirmatives and negatives. "Then get it, the ride isn't free!" Several of the clan scrambled to the bank to go get the 30 gp boat fare. "Ok, now everyone ready?" A chorus of yeses met his ears. "Good, now to Port Sarim!"

Chapter 3

They must have made quite a sight, five powerful warriors decked out in full armor marching into Port Sarim. Captain Tobias seemed a bit intimidated by them, but they still bought tickets to sail to Karamja without hitch. After arriving at the dock, they walked on past the small town that had formed there, nodding to Luthas, the plantation manager. Next, the walked past the fishing dock, the banana tree farm where they saw someone picking bananas (most likely for Luthas, he paid 30 coins if you loaded a crate with 10 bananas.), the dock where many people were fishing for lobster and tuna, and then into the rainforest.

Partway through, they passed the volcano. Even Tahu 1000, who had been here many times, still stared in wonder, as he always seemed to forget how large it was. There was a whole dungeon, inhabited by various spiders, skeletons, and lesser demons in there! However, no dragons, so they passed it by. Then they came to the gate. This separated the part of Karamja open to everyone from the part open to only the residents of Runescape. As they pasted through that border, they saw to their left some houses and to the right an agility test and a food store.

But then, they arrived. The dungeon was bigger than any of them remembered, a huge cave below the surface. As they entered the triangle-shaped chamber, they took a breather to discuss what would be the best way to get to the dragons. "I say we charge in there, and smash anything that gets in our way!" Obviously, that was Chocolarico. "I'm not so sure; we need to conserve our energy. We should just walk through, only killing what attacks us," said Skilful Kil. "Why don't we just run straight through?" asked Nerdlinger 1. "Because then we might get killed," replied Tahu. "I like Skilful Kil's plan myself. It makes more sense than anything else. Oh, by the way, did anyone bring an axe?" "Huh?" "What?" "We needed an axe?" where the replies he got. "Well, at least I brought my rune one. It'll have to do."

With that, they marched off into the corridors of the dungeon. But before they had gone more than 10 steps, they ran into some vines blocking the way. However, Tahu's mighty rune axe had the pesky fauna chopped away in a flash. They continued on, passing more vines on the right. "Alright, I see some weak-looking monsters over there. Bye!" said Colin 1st as he went off to kill some moss giants in a room to the left. "There goes one person, lured by moss giants. Ah, well, he wasn't going to do very well against those metal dragons anyway." Tahu said in response to Colin 1st going to train on the large green monsters. Next, they passed a pipe on the right. "Where does that lead?" Nerdlinger inquired. "To a long way around the lava chasm up ahead. Why?" asked Skilful Kil (He had been here before, too). "Just wondering," said Nerdlinger. "My agility isn't all that good anyway."

This came at a time when Tahu was peering around a corner at the chasm just mentioned, otherwise it may have came to his attention. "Looks clear, at least within a stone's throw of the end. I'll go first, don't want anything hiding and popping out at us," he reported. As he was crossing the stepping stones, Nerdlinger looked at them with apprehension. "Is that safe?" he asked cautiously. "He could fall." "But he won't, he's actually very good at this, and it's easier than it looks," Skilful Kil reassured his younger brother. "See? He's across already." This was true, and Tahu cautiously looked around, sword at the ready, before shouting across "It's ok for now, come on over." Chocolarico and Skilful Kil crossed without incident, but come Nerdlinger's turn, he was too scared to come across. No amount of encouragement could get him to come over, so finally Skilful Kil told him "Go back to that pipe I told you about, go down the ladder to the second floor, and then meet us by the ladder going up." Nerdlinger then disappeared around a corridor, preferably to follow his brother's directions.

The three remaining party members went off to meet him at the rendezvous, and were able to sneak past the moss giants and wild dogs (or maybe the monsters had finally learned that they were lower on the food chain then the adventures, but that's not too likely). However, when they reached the ladder, they saw an injured Nerdlinger sitting there, recovering his breath.

"There were greater demons down there!" he exclaimed, which went a long way toward explaining what had happened. "Sorry, I forgot they guarded the ladder," apologized Skilful Kil. "I remember they were past the ladder, too," added Tahu. "Of course, but what if you go past the ladder by mistake?" asked Nerdlinger, which seemed to explain why he was attacked. A chorus of "Ohs" followed his question. After all, the ladder was around a corner...

All seemed better, though, when they set out again, Nerdlinger set to rights with a manta ray from Tahu's pack. Remembering the lava incident, Tahu lead then around another chasm, instead going through two vines. Before going through the second, he looked through the vines, and turned to the rest of the party, saying "Ok, now there's a group of black demons through there. Run through them, straight if you're going for bronze dragons; turn right for iron or steel. Now go!" His last words were punctuated by him slicing through the hanging plants. As the party ran for the dragons, the demons turned around and noticed them, and started to pursue...

Chapter 4

Tahu 1000 ducked as a rather foul-smelling black demon tried to decapitate him. Muttering something aimed at Zamorak's heritage, creations, and personal habits (which no one really knew anything about, but Tahu muttered about them anyway) which turned out as a bunch of asterisks (not swear words, mind you, just some words the censor didn't like), he ran towards the entrance to the lair of metal dragons. As he passed Chocolarico, he heard him muttering something along the lines of what Tahu had been saying before, but way more flavorful. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Nerdlinger stumble from a hit by a demon, but then get away. Tahu just barely ducked in time to avoid being beheaded by the same demon again, and headed right for an iron dragon. Ducking and rolling under the beast, Tahu escaped the demon. However, the demon didn't escape the dragon. As soon as the demon was dead, Tahu went over and retrieved the spoils before the dragon could add them to its horde. Turning around, Tahu then attacked the angry dragon itself...

Chapter 5

Colin was not having a good time. Apple pies did not heal much heath, and moss giants were pretty powerful, plus they used mighty black metal maces. However, he still had so far gotten over 5k in gold coins, a couple of black shields, and assorted runes. As he was picking up some bones from one kill, another giant would attack him almost instantly. With this rhythm, he was rapidly running out of pies to eat. He remembered Tahu's instructions; "When you run out of food, go back to the dock. Get back on the ship, get some more food, and come back here. When we will be going, I'll PM you. PM me if you need help." "Ok, will do--****!" was Colin's reply, just as he dodged the strike of the newly spawned moss giant. It had appeared right next to him, and thus almost caught him off-guard. He still received a scratch for his troubles, and swore some more. After disposing of the offending monster with some well-placed arrows, he buried the bones and gathered the spoils, but was still having trouble hit-point wise. Just as he used up the last of his prayer, a moss giant was good enough to drop a ranarr weed, just the thing needed for a prayer restore potion! Quickly mixing the precious herb and a bundle of snape grass in a vial of water, he drunk a portion of the newly-made concoction and regained some useful prayer. And he did this just in time, as a giant appeared out of thin air as he had finished gulping down the liquid! Turning around in response to the beast's mace bouncing off his armor, he turned around and started to shoot arrows into it...

Chapter 6

Slashing with his mighty dragon longsword, Tahu finally brought the mighty steel dragon down. However, all he got for his efforts were a couple of dragon bones, five steel bars, and some 2000-odd coins. "No luck here, you?" he asked Skilful Kil. "Nope, nothing here but some runite ranger's weapons. I'll save them for Colin, he would like them," was his reply. "Oh, well, maybe this dragon," Tahu finished as he heavily smote a dragon over the head. Holding up his shield to deflect a well-aimed stream of fire from the enraged beast, he then slashed ferociously at the steel monstrosity's legs. This time when killed, however, the dragon yielded bones and five steel bars as normal, but also a set of dragon platelegs! "Look at these!" shouted Tahu, as for all of Runescape to hear. "They look great," Chocolarico said, honestly but a bit jealous. "Why can't I get some?" Skilful Kil asked. "Try the steel dragons, they drop more. I'll train on iron ones for now," was Tahu's answer. Later on, all of the clan had found a set of dragon legs for themselves. Tahu had also gotten a pair for Wity Fool's grave. They also returned to the surface, Tahu rescuing a wounded Colin from a moss giant, and traveled back to Ardougne to rest, recuperate, and visit Wity Fool's grave in the north. Also, Tahu and Chocolarico sold extra dragon plateskirts. All in all, it was a successful adventure, consuming more food than the fight in the Kalaphite lair. What will our adventures go after next, we wonder? Will mostly full dragon among all of them, what else is there to do? Only time will tell.

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Tahu 1000 - Former Member