And after
two weeks notice being bypassed, hammered in, nearly shouted out, and taken into consideration, the vacation was finally on. Between Sunday, July 28th, and Thursday, August 1st, family fun time (i.e. mother, father, me time) in Gatlinburg is the plan!
... And like all good plans, the unexpected is waiting around the corner. What deep, dark mysteries does cold blooded fate have in store for everyone's favorite (or only...) Kokiri typo? Find out in...
Tales of GatlinburgDay One - Sunday, July 28thAs rare as it is, I'm the one who slept in. Typically I'm too excited to get any form of rest beyond a few hours, but this time I managed to doze, and rest, and snooze, and toss and turn until about thirty minutes before leaving time. Whoops! Didn't end up leaving late, though. Our first surprise was waiting for us not one second out of our driveway. At the stop sign to the right of our house, there was a deer grazing in someone's yard. Sadly, it was shocked by something behind it (we were to its side) and went bounding off into a treeline before we could snap a picture
Road conditions: Hectic. Construction, crazy drivers, speed traps (which we did not fall for), and some of the oddest red light timing I've ever seen in Nashville.
Brunch conditions: Amazing. Last time we went to Knoxville's Waffle House, it took forever and a day to get mediocre food. This time, total opposite. Incredibly quick, friendly service with one of the best steaks I've ever had in a Waffle House. And I've had a lot of steaks there before.
Go-to trip conditions: Overall great. Four hours to get that distance with good food to boot was one of our best overall trips.
As Sunday was supposedly the "only" day where fishing was possible (noted specifically for future reference), we went fishing. Perhaps ten minutes from the dampest motel room we've ever checked into is a pleasant steam to fish for little Brook or Rainbow Trout from. Another first time around the corner is my first time handling a fly fishing rod. Naturally my casts were abysmal for the first ten or so, but the second cast I made landed me a little ~3 inch brook trout. Now, there's an enormous difference between a three inch trout the size of a big lure, and a foot long bass caught USING a three inch long lure. So when you jerk upward on a rod with the force needed to catch a foot long bass when you just have effectively bait on the end of your line... well, that fish was Gatlinburg's first ever Flying Brook Trout, for about five seconds. Then its head hit a rock, it came off the hook, and it swam away (probably in a very awkward line). Whoops!
Thankfully, the rest went a little smoother. Naturally a few branches get in the way of casts when they're hanging at rod's height over the water, but that's life. What casts we got through were usually nice, had good potential for a bite, and landed us one six inch Rainbow that escaped before more than its tail could be photographed, one five inch Brook trout marking my first ever proper landing of one, one two inch brook trout that hopped on the rocks before exhaling the fly & hook, and one... four? inch rainbow trout caught at the highest elevation Dad's ever been able to get one. So a first catch for me and a record height for him. Nicely done, good fun, and a good way to work up an appetite.
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Sunday night's dinner was provided to you by
Logan's Roadhouse. Kikori's dinner of choice is about 100 individual peanuts (with a record of three peanuts in one shell) before having a Half Slab of Ribs and two baskets of Fries on the side. A constant favorite, for sure, though it's always just a
little annoying when "fall off the bone" literally means falling off the bone. I like to eat my meat off the bone, and only Famous Daves or Black Eyed Pea seems to realize that you can have tender on the bone. No complaints about taste, though!
As it seemed to rain the day before we arrived, conditions at the
putt-putt course were quite wet. It was pretty hard to get things going on a wet course at night when it's your first time in the summer doing it.
Old Town Square Course ~ Trick Shot CoursePar: 41
1st: Mom (41, 0 aces)
2nd: Dad (42, 1 ace)
3rd: Me (43, 2 aces)
Old Mountain Trail Course ~ Advanced Shot CourseGolf was cancelled on account of bathroom needs.
However, that didn't stop the night from being enjoyable. Dad got a fresh taste of Seth MacFarlane's humor via the Cleveland Show's "Cleveland Live!" imitation of old live audience filmings and Family Guy's "Peter's Progress" episode. "You know what? No rights. Nobody gets any rights. ... Ah, America."
Sadly, with someone staying one floor directly above us, we got an experience of just how loud it is to sleep next to a wall with plumbing running through it. Sigh.
Day Two - Monday, July 29thDeciding to try my hand at a comical surprise, I waited for both parents to step outside to buy or eat whatever breakfast of choice they wanted. Got dressed, set myself up on the corner of the bed facing the door, turned my DS onto a screen with some soothing music, and took a meditating position. Didn't get quite the laugh I'd hoped, but still a chuckle.
So, among all the firsts to happen, Day Two probably held the most. It was our first step into truly uncharted territory, this time in North Carolina. The destination was one "Max Patch Bald", a summit with some supposedly outstanding views. For those that don't know, a 'bald' is a space on the mountain that far more resembles a plain than a wooded area. I agree with my father in that
Andrew's Bald is probably one of the greatest introductions to hiking you can show a person, with its balanced trails and rewarding views at the top. MOVING ON! And moving up. After a long trip, we had to ascend a rather steep, oddly thin, winding gravel path upward that set off a rather unfortunate series of sound effects from the vehicle.
In hindsight, it was stupid to go up a path like that with the air conditioning on and not using four wheel drive. But there's a lot of hindsight to recap on in this trip, so let's just press on to the hike itself. It started off a rather big mistake. See, we were following a magazine summary of the trail from landmark A to summit B, with the trail crossing over the road we parked at. Instead of checking both the left and right paths to see where their destinations would, we started our
descent to Landmark A, despite knowing we had to ascend overall. And we did ascend, for about a mile... then it started turning into a shockingly steep descent that lost us more altitude than we'd gained. So, far closer to sea level after two miles in, we all kind of facepalmed and turned around, not knowing how much time we'd wasted due to not bring cell phones. Another facepalm at that. Four miles of warmup hiking later, we grab cell phones, cross the road safely like good lil' chickens, re-attach our heads, and start the hike up some holy
steep terrain that could be described as gaining 700 ft in elevation per mile. A lot of the first mile of our 3.4 mile trip could be effectively described as ascending a 30 to 35 degree angle of dirt, roots, and rocks. And to those who don't know, that's a pretty damn steep mile to walk, especially when you're carrying the provisions.
Another first was waiting for us about halfway down the path. Taking point, my eyes were on the ground for potential hazards like overly slick rocks, roots, rattlesnakes, or muddy sp--wait a god damn minute. That patch of grass looks a little too bright to be natural, and it shouldn't have black stripes almost evenly spaced across it... Yup. Timber rattlesnake. Thank the lucky starts that: I noticed it, I didn't pass it, it was sleeping, and its belly was a bit bloated as if it just got done eating. So by the time the family all grouped up to assess the situation, if we could get around, and got pictures taken, any shock had worn off. Granted it was still a bit of danger, the only good snake bite is no snake bite, so that it didn't once buzz that tail or poise to strike is a welcome relief. We gave it a pretty damn wide berth going around it to continue the trail, and only when everyone was on the path again did it move... downhill into a calmer resting place. Crisis averted!
The bald itself was utterly amazing. If not for hours being wasted on a four mile warmup and having to stop due to the insane slopes we were going over, we'd have had time to properly enjoy, explore, and ask about the bald. Yes, ask about. Despite being 3.4 miles up some insanely steep hills with venomous snakes present and it being only a few hours to sundown, we were very well able to talk to some young ladies of maybe twenty accompanied by two incredibly friendly pit bulls. Only as we started our descent taking an alternate route down did we discover why such casually dressed girls with no provisions to speak of could be at such a hard-to-reach summit... There was a parking lot down the hill only a tenth of a mile away. Now we know, for future reference, that even a lady like my grandmother (on my father's side), a lady of 80+ who's had surgery on her knee, can make it up to that damn Bald.
I remain optimistic, however! The views were damn beautiful, the exercise was great, and the experience was fun all the way back to the car... oh
. That's right, we were nearing a breakdown point just getting up the hill. It was fingers crossed all around on if or if not we'd even get back to the motel room safely. Once again, praise goes to whatever happenstance or deity allowed our failing vehicle to safely get down the mountain and beyond its problem to land us in our parking spot safely.
Legs: Almost dead.
Car: Basically busted.
Hike: Worth it.
Between seeing some flowers for the first time and others in new locations, amazing views, a first time rattlesnake sighting (which is apparently great for someone as relatively inexperienced as I am with hiking), getting a little time with some lick-happy pit bulls, and managing to
avoid all possible crises of snakebites, being stranded, and going all the way to the wrong destination without any form of communication? I honestly can't say any of the cons outweigh the pros of the day.
Shameless advertising time!
Monday night's dinner was brought to you by the
Bubba Gump Shrimp Co. Kikori's dinner of choice is two Skewers of Shrimp (grilled) and a Boat Load o' Fries (served on a newspaper style sheet with news of the Forrest Gump movie's timeline). I probably said this last year, but for being a restaurant based around a gimmick, they do theirs DAMN well.
Due to quite sore legs from eleven miles of very steep hiking and ending dinner very late, putt-putt was skipped. However, on a whim I stopped by the corner store next door to the motel and got quite an interesting combination. A bottle of whole milk and a tube of sour cream & onion Pringles. Suddenly I become one of
those guys who buys weird combos, like beer & ice cream or pickles & cookies. The milk was saved for another time, though, I just wanted a nice snack of chips before bed.
Day Three - Tuesday, July 30thUpon waking up...
Legs: Shockingly only a little sore. Last time they were this strained, they were in pain enough that walking was hard.
Car: Thankfully covered, though we didn't know it yet.
Vacation: Still on, baby! For the most part.
With no real pressing need to make it anywhere on time, we slept in, lounged around, ate a bit, and decided to make up on putt-putt time first thing. The conditions dried up quite a bit, and the course was very pleasantly warm and not humid, so it was a first time experience playing in that kind of condition. Given how crowded it was, we played the courses out of order this time.
Old Mountain Trail Course ~ Advanced Shot CoursePar: 40
1st: Dad (43, 0 aces)
2nd: Me (47, 1 ace)
3rd: Mom (49, 0 aces)
Back when the holes didn't naturally tilt downward due to sinking into the dirt, 40 was possible. Now it's incredibly tricky to do thanks to having to estimate your ball will head downhill a bit with each putt you make.
Old Town Square Course ~ Trick Shot CoursePar: 41
1st: Dad (34, 4 aces)
2nd: Me (42, 0 aces)
3rd: Mom (44, 0 aces)
Dad was playing this course by either starting in odd positions (on wood borders, etc) to shoot down the stairs, or by taking the hard way around holes when he'd otherwise take said odd ways for fun. I chose to putt left handed the entire course.
Black Light Mini Golf ~ Indoor Oceanic 9-Hole CoursePar: 22
1st: Mom (22, 1 ace)
2nd: Me (23, 2 aces)
3rd: Dad (24, 1 ace)
The final hole has a ramp to shoot into Jaws' mouth for an auto-Ace, or a little rim outside it that adds a two-stroke penalty. So you can either hole-in-one, or take a 3 minimum. I hit Jaws' teeth twice but ended up in the hole, costing me the win... and for not being able to get a score of 2, having a 2 par on the hole is odd!
So after working up shockingly no sweat for the first time in Gatlinburg, I decided to follow a whim and looked around the
Life Is Good shop for one I liked. It ended up with us working together to try to find a shirt for everyone--us three, two brothers not there, and one brother's girlfriend (practically fiancé). With any luck, there will be a day we can all wear our new six shirts together and do something fun... probably another river rafting trip together. On another whim, I went ahead and bought a tan fedora. After trying a few on for the past year and getting approval about it being the one hat I can pull off, I'm making it official to have a hat I can actually pull off. Pictures to arrive sometime soon, I hope.
With everyone having leftovers to snack on, lunch was cheap and tasty. And having refueled, I decided to try my hands at once again swinging a hammer. 887 record currently on it? Pshaw.
2011 record: 907
2012 record: 895
2013 record: 901 on my third swing. Booya, still proving I'm deceptively strong for a 6'0" 125 lb. nerd.
After racking up a shocking amount of tickets just from four swings of the hammer, it was off to the air hockey table to try myself against a surprisingly hard to defeat father. Two paddles per side on one table always makes for some very fun setup between left and and right hand, especially when both are on offense and you leave a very large goal zone wide open on accident. Ended up winning 7 to 3; even though the table stopped at 6-3, it was smooth enough to finish without airflow. Fun times!
The temperature took a rather unexpected hike upward while we were in the arcade... and there's potential for a joke here about steep slopes like our Monday hike, but I'm just not finding the words for it. Given our leisurely pace, desire to cool off, and lack of having done so in the trip, only one answer came to us for what to do next: swimming. A very pleasant first for us arrived in a rather warm pool (despite relatively low temperatures suggesting cold water) and chlorine so light you could barely sense it without tasting it. No odd colors, didn't feel heavy on the cleaner, didn't smell like chlorine... it was probably the best swim I'd had in the pool for a decade. Probably not enough time in the pool for anyone to tan at all, but it was still a great example of how a motel pool
should be. The only downside, as probably expected, is trying to get chlorine out of hair after the swim.
Shameless advertising time!
Tuesday's dinner was brought to you by
Johnny Rockets. Kikori's dinner of choice: A double patty hamburger and side of fries, with a vanilla milkshake. (Yeah, my diet is pretty tiny. Most sides and toppings are entirely lost on me.) Where 1950's feel, food quantity, and milkshakes are concerned, I'd put Johnny Rockets above Steak 'n' Shake... though the latter doesn't do anything wrong except kind of small portions.
With stomachs full and milkshakes still putting heaven on my tongue, it was back to the putt-putt course for round two. One again, playing the courses out of order.
Old Mountain Trail Course ~ Advanced Shot CoursePar: 40
1st: Dad (41, 3 aces)
2nd: Mom (45, 1 ace)
3rd: Me (45, 1 ace)
Tie for second place! Like any gentlemen, though, ladies first. Once again, I shot left handed throughout.
Old Town Square Course ~ Trick Shot CoursePar: 41
1st: Dad (37, 2 aces)
2nd: Mom (39, 1 ace)
3rd: Me (39, 1 ace)
Another tie, another left handed run... and everybody well below par for the course! Great day to be a putter.
We skipped out on indoor golf, since it got pretty late at the end of things. Ever tried to hit a black ball in an indoor hole with its light turned off? That was a good laugh to keep in my head back to the motel room. Milk and cookies for a snack before going back to sleep.
Day Four - Wednesday, July 31stPlan: Dad fishes, mom quilts / shops, I shoot 'em up in the arcade.
Problem: Car isn't starting up.
Vacation: Turned upside down.
What we hoped was potential problems of having flooded it with gas or simple spark plug issues turned into something a little bit worse. We couldn't even get it to idle properly for more than a second at a time, and it lasted about five before needing to shut down. Not quite by choice, but that was the "Oh,
" moment that put a bit of worry about our chances if we waited until tomorrow as planned to try to leave. With the fishing trip as a test drive on the side to see if it'll operate properly (and coming up with "no" as an answer), all plans turned to packing up and working on moving out. So I cashed in 100 / 124 tickets for another clear die (as our cat loves batting them around), gave the other 24 / 124 tickets to a lil' kid, and asked the receptionist for a phone book for the nearby major city of Knoxville (since we were about an hour away, one or two counties over). We ended up getting three dealership and one towing company numbers to try before ending up finally getting everything set up.
Three hours to wait for the tow truck to make it about one hour away to us.
About one hour trip from Gatlinburg to Maryville (or Alcoa, or the Twin Cities, whichever you prefer)
About thirty minutes to wait for a car from Enterprise to come
across the street to pick us up... though, to be fair, the road is set up terribly. Two lanes, a giant turning lane in the middle for U-turns every thirty yards or so, and no red lights. And we were about to have to drive in that very same road.
Thankfully, it was a... mostly smooth trip from Enterprise to the Comfort Inn & Suites. Yeah, having to go from 0 to 60 in 2.5 seconds is a pain in the ass, but every ten minutes or so you get a break to take it slower. Thankfully we were on the end of the road where the poorly designed highway starts AND on the same side as restaurants, so it was easy enough to merge, hit up a restaurant, merge again, and avoid a stupid U-turn by taking a back road around to re-join the highway and simply turn into the hotel without risking a U-turn altogether.
Shameless advertising time!
Wednesday's dinner was brought to you by
Shoney's. Kikori's dinner of choice: 8 oz. Sirloin steak (grilled medium) with baked potato and whatever sweet roll they serve alongside it. The Shoney's chain in Nashville is iffy on if it wants to treat you like you're in a buffet, or restaurant. The one we ate at Wednesday, however? Simply superb.
It was the first night I'd ever spent in a Comfort Inn, so it was a bit of a shock to find how well they equipped it for their intended audience. Bathroom you can actually take a proper bath in and a
good shower head, proper fridge & freezer, work desk (with a lamp that had its own damn phone line and power outlets to plug into), and some of the softest beds and pillows I've encountered. Though I shouldn't say "pillows" without mentioning that there were four to each bed, and about half the size of normal pillows. So... pillow nuggets? Pillowlings? Marshpillows? Either way, they were damn comfy. And pretty fun to lob short distances while aiming for someone's head or back.
Day Five - Thursday, August 1stGood morning from Comfort Inn! Literally, a good morning, in many ways.
Sleep: Pretty damn great for everyone.
Car: Was disabled by air intake problems. Its "boot" was faulty and recalled, but never having gotten the notice, we hadn't had it fixed. So the repair bill
and the towing bill were covered.
Vacation: Essentially on track.
We'd thought the worst for the car, but in the end, our only real setbacks were spending about half the afternoon Wednesday twiddling our thumbs, and spending an extra $80 in Comfort Inn when we already had the $60 spent for the room in Gatlinburg (since we were there past 12). If paying for two rooms in one day is the worst for our vacation, then it's not a bad vacation at all. And considering we could've been stranded, snakebit, held back for nearly a week, or facing expensive fixes like transmission or fuel injectors, getting out of there with an hour's head start distance wise for practically free, upgrading the car in the process on the day we'd intended to leave sounds like an overall good ending to this incredible learning experience. Granted, our legs are
still a little sore, but hell, spending $80 for another room in a day and spending a day letting our legs rest is a fair price for all the shenanigans we had this year.
So I got home, did most of the unpacking, found Oscar meowing like a maniac as usual, and have yet to open my DS to post my new records on Kirby. I'm lookin' at you, Jaron, you'll never beat my times now!
So yeah. This trip has been one of the biggest learning experiences and record-breaking trips for our family since we've
had the tradition of going to Gatlinburg. And I don't think any of us are disappointed by it.
