True story: most bank robbers get caught by robbing the same bank twice.

Life has become so hard these days; turmoil in the Whitehouse, high gas prices, and of course we can’t forget how terrible the job market is. In the midst of it all, don’t you just wish there was a magical event that could take these problems away from you? You’d never have to worry about another phone bill, and you’d always have food to eat. Well that one magical event is here. You should consider failing to rob a bank, to ensure a cozy life, without aesthetic and trivial worries. If you follow some easy steps and advice, you’ll be well on your way to lock up.

Setting up for failure is no easy task, it requires a certain level of grace that isn’t just given to you. The first thing you’ll need is a group of people to assist you. Failing to rob a bank seems like an easy task to do alone, but the job becomes easier when you work as a group. These people assisting you are best served if they’re known squealers and finks. This way, when they’re caught they’ll rat you out and you’ll be that much guiltier, and if you’re lucky they might even testify against you. Now that you’ve got your group, the next thing is to never plan anything again. Planning is the antithesis to failure, so you never want to plan. Your thoughts should be frantic and unorganized, which will help you to make mistakes and just royally screw up. Something a lot of people tend to mess up when failing to rob a bank is to gain access to a get-away car. These setbacks can really only be considered trouble, so it’s best not to even get involved. You’ll be much slower running or walking away from the scene of the crime.

Now that you’ve gotten a basic idea how to set up to fail, you should consider a few concepts. Location, timing, and choice are all important to a successful failure; be careful to consider where and when you rob a bank! The best choice of a bank to rob is the one you use regularly, as more people will already know who you are and will be able to identify you when questioned. It's recommended you rob the bank you have an account at; it's much easier to be busted there. An acceptable alternative, of course, is a bank close to the local police station, to minimize police response time. Now timing is another difficult thing to consider. The best time obviously is when there is during the busiest hours of the bank, and when they have the most security. The more people there, the more people to identify you. An optional step would be to rob a recently robbed bank. A recently robbed bank would have extra security that would make failing easier to accomplish, but this step is only for people daring enough to add some spice to the event.

Now when getting to the main event, it’s imperative you make several blunders and mistakes. These mistakes don’t come naturally to people so it’s really important you pay close attention. Your first thing to do is to fake like you have a gun. You begin by placing your index finger pointing straight, and your thumb pointing up at a 90° angle from your index finger. Hiding this under your shirt, your next move is to find the longest line you can and stand in it. Be sure to also call attention to yourself while standing in line. This will really making you look suspicious from the beginning. Now it’s important to consider what you’re going to wear to the robbery. This isn’t for a fashion show, but it’s a great chance to incriminate yourself. If you have clothes with your name embroidered on it, wear it! Nothing says who you are better then the name on your shirt. Another neat thing to do would be to leave things behind for the police to identify you with; things like drivers licenses work the best. With a picture, and your residency in the hands of the police, it would ensure a speedy capture.

Now with the actually deed done, it’s now time to focus on how to further incriminate yourself. To ensure a successful failure, you’ll want to leave clues and contradict yourself whenever you’re given the chance. A good first option is to brag about what you did. Go on social networks like “Myspace” or “Facebook” and post about what you’ve done. If the Internet is not your thing, you can always go to a party or other gatherings and leak every detail to people you don’t know. The best parties to do this are religious ones, as they have the highest chance of informing the police of your story. If this doesn’t get you captured, your next bet it so deposit the money you’ve robbed back in the account of the bank you robbed. Nothing says deja vu like revisiting the scene of the crime and attempting to deposit your ill-gotten gains in the very bank you got them from. After all of this, you’re going to be arrested. (Way to go!) However the fun doesn’t have to stop there! When being arrested your best bet to ensure you’re found guilty when being on trial is to waive your Miranda Rights, and blab every detail of your crime to the police. This will give them plenty of ammunition to testify with. After that, you should confess fully to the police when being interrogated, and then completely deny ever being involved with the crime when in the court room. This sort of shenanigan when being on trial is sure to upset the judge and the prosecution attending your case, making them more apt to judge you harshly for making fools out of them.

If you’ve followed this instructional guide close enough you’ll be sentenced to a long stay at prison. You’ll ensure yourself a simple life free of any complicated choices, recessions, or other hard economical times that potentially plagues the rest of humanity, who could only be considered suckers for not taking the path you chose to take. The lesson is clear, if you wish to avoid the potentially coming horrors, you’ll fail to rob a bank. If you accidentally succeeded at robbing the bank of your choice, don't fret! Follow the exact same plan next week (and the week after that if required,) and your chances of failing will exponentially increase.