All times are UTC - 6 hours




Post new topic Reply to topic   Page 1 of 1
 [ 3 posts ] 
Author Message

 Post subject: The Ongoing stories from the imagination of Rat King[SS/N]
PostPosted: September 15th, 2008, 3:56 pm 
Lord of the Rats
Prince
Prince
User avatar

Joined: September 9th, 2007, 9:53 am
Posts: 674
Location: Upstate New York
Gender: Male
Status: Offline
I am using this thread in order for people to actually know what is bottled up inside my head. You may be confused by the [ss/n] which means shortstories and novels, depending on what I am thinking at the moment. I am going to try to add a new story every few days, hope you like them.






This story will be a few chapters.
Chapter one: The Black bolt: Russell was a high school student. He was often made fun of. As he walked through the hallways of his school, people called out to him. An older student shouted, "Hey! Its the weird kid!" A youger student saw him, and said to his friends, "Hey, look, its the Zombie Man." Russell just ignored all of their comments. Suddenly, a roar of thunder shook the building, and a bolt of black lightning pierced through the ceiling. The black lightningbolt just remained in the hallway. Students started gathering around it. Russell was mesmerized. He started walking towards it. As he entered the center of the circle of students, they shouted, "Hey, what are you doing, stay away from that!" Russell just kept walking. He stopped a foot away from the bolt. He reached out a hand. He stopped his hand an inch away from the bolt. He took a deep breath, and plunged his hand in.

__________________
Want one of these sig characters for yourself? Go ask Goten http://www.runevillage.com/ThePub/viewtopic.php?f=30&t=436409Image


Top
 Profile
 

 Post subject: Re: The Ongoing stories from the imagination of Rat King[SS/N]
PostPosted: September 16th, 2008, 8:48 pm 
Village Elder
Village Elder

Joined: November 26th, 2003, 5:50 pm
Posts: 2,865
Status: Offline

Donor: Guardian (2006)
Friend of Hiker
I like it Rat King. Your writing has a simplistic style that is easy to read while still keeping interest.

"The black lightningbolt just remained in the hallway." This is a quote I love and hate. On the one hand, you get the idea of the lightning bolt just hovering, on the other, it is sort of a mystery as to what it is doing. I would have like another sentence that kind of described the lightning bolt, while maintaining that mysterious feel. Keep it up :icon_thumleft:


Top
 Profile
 

 Post subject: Re: The Ongoing stories from the imagination of Rat King[SS/N]
PostPosted: September 16th, 2008, 9:48 pm 
Level 0
Village Elder
Village Elder
User avatar

Joined: May 13th, 2004, 6:41 pm
Posts: 18,969
Location: The Tower of Mist
Status: Offline

Donor: Wizard (2013)
Friend of Hiker
Always good to have a new story in the Literary Society. :) Even though we know barely anything about the character yet, you've done a fairly good job already at showing his personality and how he appears to others.

Although, most of the sentences near the beginning and the end seem really short (4-6 words apiece), perhaps you could join two of them together? For example,

"Russell was a high school student. He was often made fun of."
=
"Russell was a high school student, one that was often made fun of."

"He stopped a foot away from the bolt. He reached out a hand."
=
"He stopped a foot away from the bolt and slowly reached out to it."

:D?

__________________
Image

.
Image

.
Legendary themed months are back! Maybe.
Image
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Top
 Profile WWW 
 
Display posts from previous:  Sort by  
Post new topic Reply to topic  Page 1 of 1
 [ 3 posts ] 

All times are UTC - 6 hours


Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 9 guests


You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum

Jump to:  

cron
Powered by phpBB © 2000, 2002, 2005, 2007 phpBB Group
The Village and this web site are © 2002-2012

ThePub 2.0 - Designed by Goten & Jackstick. Coded by Glodenox & Henner.
With many thanks to the Website Team!