History of Esolen, 60,000 years ago
Molten rock crashing into each other as lava spills, as more comes, the bigger this new life planet will be, Esolen will be the planet of Legends, where spectacular shall be more than expected, but out of all legends, only one will live on through the minds of esoliths, one that saves Esolen from apocalyptic doom, one that will conquer Remenoth; The darker side of Esolen, which in the early years of life, was torn by war, and plagued by hell: The one shall defeat the 3 Malefic Evil Gods; Pheositos, the lord of corruption. who flees humanity just before the Death age, eventually found Baotis and soon became the demon lord of Corruption, who controls powerful magic to turn one to the dark side, which could involve powerful items to gain ones control, Intentia, the Dark queen of the dead, with the dreaded ability to raise dead and give them powers of which no human could live to tell the tale, and Baotis,a Greater Demon who is the lord of Hell, bent on destroying Esolen, along with Intentia and Pheositos, Only one can conquer these deities, if he has the 3 artifacts of Power; the Blades of Mysteries, the Mace of Gaul and the Axe of Eternity, one shall be weak to each of Pheositos, Intentia and Baotis. a mere boy of 17, with the name of Leri, in the village of Gaul, a blacksmith who gave his life for the village with his powerful mace, which is yet no where to be found. His mother, unknown to the village, including Leri, is the Great Granddaughter of the wielder of the Sword of Mystery. Leri's father, whom is famous for being the only Esolith gripping the Axe of Eternity and living, Thus, giving Leri the advantage to grip it and live as well, with these Legendary history of his parents and the village, only Leri has the power to stop the Destruction of Esolen and save millions of lives.

Gauls battle, 1100 years ago
Long ago, in the Death age, was a village which has never been touched by the hell guards.
At one point though, when the Great War of the Age came, there were thousands of them, all assembled, many men gave their lives to the village. In the midst of chaos, Gaul, who was a very talented Hammersmith, created a hammer using some rare plans he found years ago, this Hammer, known as Deaths Fist was fabled to consume Hell guards.
When Gaul shaped the hammer, an interesting effect occurred, darkness took over the Blacksmith, and the hammer began to glow pale red for about 4 seconds. Gaul cautiously walked towards the Hammer and then he heard a voice in his head.
“Take the mace, and all you despise will disappear
Take the mace, and all you love will be saved
Take the mace, and you will die, after all is well.”
Gaul stood there for a moment, thinking which option was better. After what seemed like minutes, he grasped the handle of Deaths fist, and within the next moment, he was consumed in a murderous rage.
Gaul ran out of the blacksmith, with glowing red eyes and a hulking body. A Hell Guard had noticed Gaul and started running towards him. He had been waiting for this, he swung his mace recklessly, and the Hell Guard was extinguished before he had noticed. Gaul had quickly grown used to the mace, the unbeatable rage in him, and also had grown fearless of Hell guards. He ran further to the centre of the town, which for some strange reason, he found all the hell guards assembled, facing his way.
Gaul had not lost an inch of bravery, or his rage, in fact it grew. At this moment, the hell guards began rushing towards Gaul, leaving a fiery path behind them. Gaul, who is now consumed by his rage, tossed his mace in a style so that it would do chain jump to each and every hell guard.
The Deaths Fist, which had just consumed so many hell guards in a very short amount of time, had turned into a ball of flame, and now looked like a torch.
Pheositos, who was behind the war, has gotten angry about his army falling to a simple man. Pheositos, being the lord of hell, decided to try destroying Gaul, but Death himself prevented him, So Pheositos fled before Gual could get a chance to strike him. Gaul, in the meantime, still in his reckless rage, has tossed the mace at the speed of light into the horizon and then he collapsed dead.
People who recognized the brave blacksmith, made a statue of Gaul in the middle of the village and named the village Gaul in honor of his brave debt, which in Leri's time, the statue is still around.



Leri was in a bad mood today, as usual, Slavery is the problem, he would think 'how could father do something stupid and use me for slavery, so he could get money, I mean... If he's so famous for touching the handle of the Axe of Eternity.. Shouldn’t he be swimming in gold??' Leri wonders if there is a better life out there... Well he thought he might just be a slave for the rest of his life. His Master had just said he's free to go home now, good.

Leri was walking home on a lane with what seemed to be half-beaten houses, including a tavern.. this is what Gaul couldn't save when the hell guards were set loose upon the Village, Hell guards were creatures that had the ability to create Hell fires, which were permanent fires, as some buildings surrounding Leri had some hell fires. Leri was just about to approach the scorched town square when he heard a bang in a building nearby, he looked around and saw dust and smoke come from a building south, Deciding this is something since he has been given to slavery, Leri went to have a look.

When Leri approached the fallen object, he identified it as a bookshelf. But he also noticed a battered book nearby, somewhat shined on by the light coming through a northern window, he picked it up and it read "History of Esolen: the artifacts of power"

Leri Didn’t believe it had information about the artifacts of power, Of course, nothing ever did, but is this the right book? Months ago, Leri was desperate to find out information regarding to the artifacts of power, but he knew none of that was true, because artifacts are ancient things, and ancient things cannot be properly revealed, until such evidence is found.
But, could this actually hold the true information to the 3 legendary artifacts, that many people failed to find? If so, Leri thought to himself, I could earn a bit of money, and slavery will be no more.

Leri ran home before the Guards would notice, so that he wouldn’t raise any suspicion, a few times did he trip on some burnt wood. When he reached home, he rushed to his room and shut the door.
Leri got out the book and opened it.

It read “The Artifact of speed: The Sword of mystery

In the Early ages of Esolen, lived an Archmage who could also forge weapons, more known to create fashionable swords. when the invasion of hell came, before Remenoth was consumed, the archmage was desperate to save himself, He found one of his swords and attempted to imbue his power into that sword, because he knew the sword could endure many ages, and he would live with the sword. By doing so, only a very little number of people have been able to wield the sword, because the archmage chooses who can wield the sword, if it doesn't want a person to wield the sword, it will simply burn the hands of that person. Someday, it is rumored that the sword will break and the Archmage will be reborn into the world again



Some people have read this on Rv, i have updated a bit of the history, and added a few paragraphs (?)

Im not that kind of person who can extend a paragraph very long..


Constructive critism would be nice, if needed

(LATEST UPDATE: Gauls battle)

__________________

I do want to post C+C on this, but I don't have the time at the moment. (My mom decided that she had plenty for me to do today).

Once I'm done with it, I'll re-read it and then post some C+C. Be warned, there'll be a lot of it.

In general, though, I like the storyline idea; the basis that it's wrapped around. The writing style, however... we'll speak about that later.


Edit -

Okay, lets begin with tense. Before writing a story, decide whether you're going to be writing in past or present tense. It is not only easier to write in past tense, but it's also more flexible. You began in present tense, then moved to past tense one the italics were done with. The odd part is that it seems to me that what was said in present tense happened millions of years ago (the past), while what was written in past tense was the present setting. Choose one and stick with it.

Now lets go with sentence structure. Know how to measure and design length to your sentences. This can be very important for how fast or slow the reader will be able to travel through your piece. At the moment, I'm not sure where the first sentence breaker is in the italics paragraph. It's all so... jumbled; it's jargon. What I can do to help explain what I'm saying is to re-write the first two paragraphs the way I would write it. I'll only do so at request though.

Now on to the non-italics paragraphs. We can see that we're now being engaged in the story. Prologue is done and over with (unless that italics paragraph is a prologue to the prologue) and things are begining to move. My major concern is realism. Would a person actually have that sort of attitude towards being sold into slavery by his father? We don't see anything that is responding to that fact. Is he angry about it, indifferent, uncaring, understanding of his father's motives, what? What is his reaction, and more importantly, how can you convey that in a strong manner?

Don't "make it up as you go". You mention a person (thing?) named Gaul. We have no idea who or what that is. Have Leri remember the day when Gaul couldn't save the houses. Have him remember the Hell Guards and what they did. Images of people trying to put out their eternal flames but to no avail. Create a dramatic setting for us. Obviously his past is somewhat scarred. The problem is that we don't know why. Not to mention, he seems a little to happy-go-lucky about what's happened to him.

Logic flow. "Deciding this is something since he has been given to slavery, Leri went to have a look." I don't understand the correlation between being given into slavery and having to go take a look. You do this other times throughout your piece.

As it stands you have 877 words in your prologue. Word count doesn't mean everything, but for the depth of the story in which it seems you want to get into, I think that your word count should be well over double that.

I'm definitly attracted to the storyline. It seems unique enough to have potential. Keep it up and keep writing. The worst thing you can do is stop where you are and get nothing else done on it.

Alright, cool, I'm going to re-read it, and see where i can add some information that is dearly needed, and also that needs re-writing.

__________________