A wild ride, with a twist ending. It's good to hear things went well for you and you're hanging in there ^_^
Statistics: Posted by Topsummoner — September 30th, 2016, 7:32 pm
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Then I spent a week and a half or so staying in Maryland and visiting parts of the DC area. I stayed with an old friend, and her husband as well as their roommate. It was... nice. I enjoyed being there, in spite of everything I'd put myself through this year. She and I had time to talk alone, and more than once, on many things. Well, I say talk, in most cases it involved me inelegantly sobbing into her shoulder, but I digress. In retrospect, perhaps my overwhelming fears were unwarranted; I had to call my therapist just to muster the impetus to talk to someone I trust like no other about how I'm feeling. I'm not sure if that sort of thing should be a big deal or not. But, after all my fears, all the concerns about her well-being in the face of a mess I created for myself... She was fine. Everything is fine between the two of us, even in spite of my usual instabilities and theatrics. She had an idea what was bothering me when I first wanted to talk to her. I suppose there's a reason we've been close friends this long, and in the end that's all either of us ever wanted.
I really don't know how this ends. I can't say if the feelings are ever going to quite stop bothering me. But I have other things to worry about, and I'm tired of dealing with this.
Still, I had a fine time, and she and I had plenty of time to hang out and do things. I talked her ear off about art history while we look at an exhibit from the Dutch School, we walked around the National Mall and saw Lincoln, I got drunk on multiple occasions, she and her husband managed to keep me from drooling over Jefferson's Library for too long, we went to at least one overpriced restaurant, and at one point she dragged me off to a gay bar where I ended up making out with this adorable drunk guy who was absolutely flaming. You know, just a typical trip to the US capital, really.
Her husband is a nice fellow. A bit younger, maybe not the most erudite, but he's a metalhead and drinks real beer and liquor instead of the diluted piss water that's popular in Maryland. He and I spent a day out acting on an idea I had, which involved going to a tiny Eastern European grocery in some obscure spot in downtown Maryland. Got some rye bread, pickle, salo, and then to the liquor store where I bought some premium vodka. The night involved showing him how to drink like Russians while I slurred a series of Russian toasts and slang. We also vomited like Russians. Fortunately my best friend only had one drink and was bafflingly patient about the whole ordeal brought on by two guys being overly enthusiastic about a very expensive bottle of Stolichnaya Elit. Really, it was a fine time until the retching occurred. Regardless, I was very pleasantly relieved to find out I liked the guy, and that they really do seem genuinely happy together. That's perfectly well. We all decided we'd all try and get a group together and travel across Europe when he gets out of the air force in a few years. Something to look forward to, at least. Meanwhile, I need to continue lifting weights... Been at the gym ever since I got back. Took my best friend, who's a damned massage therapist, to look at my back and talk to me about how weak my muscles had gotten to get me to admit my health hasn't been that great. Turns out extremely long periods of stress and undereating can weaken you. So now I'm working on reclaiming lost muscle mass.
If a number of details about where I've gone seem confusing, I suppose this can sort that out: I'm 27 and I'm from Alaska, not the UK. The long and elaborate identity deception is something of a long story. Suffice to say when I started using the internet it was treated like this scary place where sharing anything about yourself would get you murdered by random hate groups or some
. However, the internet was still a place to socialise. Lying seemed easy enough, and combined with my ethnic background and the fact I started casually typing in BSE out of habit in my teens due to doing some work on foreign websites, a persona emerged. Effectively what happened was I got too lazy to explain and just went with it for a long time. Then I decided it was a tired schtick a few years ago. It's dead. Bury it. I have a low tolerance for bullshit anyway.That being said, don't be alarmed. I'm still the same personality, right down to the faux snobbishness and cheese fixations.
Well, I've run out of things to disclose. Frankly I'm not sure what the point of this thread was; much of it qualifies as oversharing by my standards. Maybe I just had nowhere else to talk casually about a few things. I'm also very, very tired, and not just because I'm underslept on my day off. As for the emotional pains, I believe I can cope.
I'm not dying. Thanks for listening.
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — September 30th, 2016, 5:56 pm
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Get back to us when your travels are complete, I'd love to hear if you have a change in perspective afterwards, or at the very least have become happier. Or even if you feel exactly the same, that's alright too.
If you're ever looking for somewhere to talk, I've recently set up a Discord channel which has served as the spiritual successor to Chat. A bunch of us are in there and active daily if you want to shoot the
or whatever.Statistics: Posted by Topsummoner — August 14th, 2016, 10:00 pm
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Edit:extra you inserted randomly...
Statistics: Posted by Flying Sno — July 21st, 2016, 10:18 am
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Yes, I'm hardly in a state to begin contemplating the structure of the relationships I'm in. Must survive the painful parts first. Which I will; I have the necessary fortitude.
Well and access to a tremendous supply of recreational substances, but that goes without saying…
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — July 7th, 2016, 2:33 am
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To say I am "fine" after a couple of months would honestly be a lie, but I am alive and I still have my health. I remain uncertain as to what I shall do with myself, but frankly I haven't the energy to consider that at this point. I'm just satisfied whenever leaving the house doesn't cause an anxiety attack…
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — June 24th, 2016, 4:38 am
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And hangovers.
But mostly regret.
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — June 2nd, 2016, 2:13 am
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It matters not. In retrospect a month or so seems rather a brief time to simply get over more than a decade of emotion.
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — May 23rd, 2016, 9:27 pm
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Kikori wrote:
A wise man once answered "Work out. Seriously, it's hard to feel sad when all you can concentrate on is muscles burning in agony."
Hmm. I must not be lifting properly.
I have to agree that- especially strength exercises, you really will concentrate on the burning and fatigue, so it does help with getting your mind off things.
Statistics: Posted by Petrifiedparrot — May 22nd, 2016, 3:35 pm
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A wise man once answered "Work out. Seriously, it's hard to feel sad when all you can concentrate on is muscles burning in agony."
Hmm. I must not be lifting properly.
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — May 21st, 2016, 11:58 pm
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A wise man once answered "Work out. Seriously, it's hard to feel sad when all you can concentrate on is muscles burning in agony."
Statistics: Posted by Kikori — May 21st, 2016, 11:11 am
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Then again, I've remembered something. The solstice. She had someone around that time as well. Actually I think just about every time I could have said something there was always someone else. Really, I don't think I ever would have had a chance in the first place. Strange that the passion always raged in spite of everything. I do wonder if some portion of me simply desires misery. That'd be fitting, considering my regular comfort in gloom, or perhaps that's just a product of a subtle sadness that this has wrought during all of this time.
Bah, I'm quite tired of thinking about all of this. Been doing that for years now…
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — May 21st, 2016, 5:15 am
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I am, however, happy (and admittedly slightly surprised) that she still chats with you every day. That could have turned out very differently, in spite of everything.
Statistics: Posted by Saten Ruiko — May 19th, 2016, 8:41 pm
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Tears still come with little effort, though I am doing much better than the week after she got married. I can at least leave my house now, albeit with inevitable exhaustion.
I still miss her like the sun-scorched shore misses the tide. Odd. Even now we still talk almost daily, though I have the good taste to not even allude to this, and besides, any form of her company seems to lessen my worries. Strange how so much of one's happiness can be caused by just one person at times. Even now, the desire persists, impossible though it clearly is, and I don't quite know how all of this is going to end, in the long run.
Forgive me for ruminating; I don't think there's much more discussion for me to create on this matter than I've already had with an incredibly kind friend who's listened to my pains through all of this. I'm merely thinking aloud.
Statistics: Posted by Eadwulf — May 14th, 2016, 5:56 am
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There are lots of people who come in and out of our lives and that is normal and tolerable. Then there are the rare ones who change us forever and become part of us. Those we still live with every day, even when we are without them.
I don't know what to say other than thank you for sharing that beautiful, terrible story. I'm sorry for the loss you are feeling.
Statistics: Posted by Zilla — May 11th, 2016, 9:11 pm
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Statistics: Posted by Market Man6 — May 10th, 2016, 8:59 pm
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