Guide: Writing Chain Letters

The first thing that you will want to do when writing your chain letter is decide what kind of letter it will be. Now it is a commonly known fact that all chain letters are annoying. If you are writing a chain letter and you actually genuinely care about what you are writing about and don’t intend for your letter to go straight to people’s trash folders, then you have already failed the first step. Good going smart one. Remember, no one cares about what you are writing and none of your friends are going to help you with any problems you may have. In fact, if you are writing a chain letter you don’t have any friends anyways.

Now that being said, you have several choices as to what to write about. There is the emotional letter where you make people spread the letters by creating high levels of guilt. These are usually about people who have come down with serious illnesses where they need you to send the letter to all your friends for unexplained reasons. You need to be sure to focus on how serious your condition is, and don’t be afraid to lay it on thick!

Another commonly used strategy is to play on peoples' stupidity. It is a scientifically proven fact that all people that read chain letters are already blithering idiots. Because of this, saying things like “If you don’t send this to ten people within 5 minutes your crush will hate you forever!” is not stupid, but often considered a fact. Now if you believe that your crush will actually hate you forever, this guide is not for you and you should probably go find the nearest door to slam your head in.

Now first and foremost you need a reason for people to pass the letter on. What good is a letter that no ones sees, after all? Your sole goal here is to make as many people read the utter crap that you typed up on Microsoft Wordpad while you were waiting for the Simpson’s to come on TV. You can do this many ways, but I will list some common themes to keep in mind when writing your letter.

1. Threats
   
2. Guilt
   
3. Plays on Stupidity
   

If you have at least one of these in your letter you are probably good to go. But for better results you can try combining two or even all three of these. For example, a letter about a man who has lung cancer, is going to kill your entire family if you don’t reply, and you will also get kidney cancer if you don’t send him a $20 check in the mail.

Now once you have completed your letter, simply go into your email and send it to everyone on your list. Remember to give it a snazzy title that won’t tip people off that it’s a chain letter; something like “My week in France part three” should work. Also, put “DO NOT SCROLL UP” in large letters at the top of the page. This will make people confused and automatically make them scroll down, AHA! Right into your disease infested crap. Good job solider!

When you finally get your own letter back three years later you know that your work is done. You are officially a chain-letter god! Now you just have to go and find some friends and piece back that pitiful thing you call your life.



Written By: Tucker
Edited By: Zilla
Coded By: J@nr0k